gender identity
on my own
While my group therapy at my former therapist I realized, that I feel "between two chairs", when it comes to explain my gender. It was the first time, I named my experience as an AFAB (assigned female at birth) questioning gender but knowing I'm not male.
I needed space to gain clarity in therapy. But the phrase “you don't operate on a healthy body” made it clear to me that I didn't have that space.
So I dealt with the matter on my own for eight years. It almost destroyed me.
Finally I have a trans experienced therapist now.
top surgery or not?
Once I realized that I am non-binary/genderqueer, the question of physical changes also arose. Suddenly, there were possibilities to finally recognize myself in the mirror.
I started hormone replacement therapy in 2021. But the question of whether or not I wanted top surgery preoccupied me intensely for a very long time. I started wearing a binder fairly quickly after my coming out in 2017. But top surgery? It took a very long time and a lot of mental energy to realize that my body is currently okay the way it is.
gender identity
For a long and agonizing time, I grappled with the question of which box I belonged in. What my gender identity was.
When I realized that I was not the woman everyone had thought I was for 33 years, I initially used the labels “non-binary” and “agender.”
But that didn't feel quite right. I almost despaired in my search for my micro-label. Because I finally wanted to belong somewhere. In the end, I settled on the label “quoigender” and felt that it described me well. And I was able to put an end to the exhausting.
"we the royal"
The song "we are royal" from The Alphabet Rockers stayed with me for a long time and gave me strength and validation.
Trans people have existed since the dawn of humanity, in all cultures and societies.
internalized queerphobia
Ever since I realized I was queer, it was something that couldn't be talked about. During my childhood and adolescence in the 90s, homophobia was a huge topic in the media. I didn't know any other queer people. Being gay or lesbian was still a criterion for social exclusion, even though things were already much better than in previous decades.
In my 30s, I realized that I am trans. The Self-Determination Act in Germany led to a great deal of transphobia in the media and politics. I am experiencing everything for the second time. Recognizing that this exhausts me was very important for me.
gender dysphoria
Gender dysphoria is a very strong, painful stress that I experience when I am not seen/addressed/treated according to my gender.
Being addressed with the wrong pronoun or my old name, seeing myself in the mirror and not recognizing myself, or being questioned as a person trigger deep, existential stress.
